10 Days in Silence
Peace Corps Volunteers, Holly Lingenfelter and Wei-Huan Chen, spent 10 days in silence, meditating at Suan Mokkh International Dharma Hermitage, a meditation retreat center located in Surat Thani Province. Suan Mokkh was founded by Monk Buddhadasa Bhikkhu, one of Thailand’s most influential religious teachers. The center offers a monthly 10-day silent meditation retreat, focusing on concentration, Vipassana, and Anapanasati meditation (mindfulness of breathing).
I believe there are no coincidences in life, and coincidentally or not, Buddhism has the same idea. Karma is the Buddhist concept that everything arises from past actions, not by random chance; everything is deeply interconnected, and nothing happens in isolation.
The first time I was introduced to the idea of a silent meditation retreat was in 2024, when I was in India doing a yoga teacher training program. I remember being intrigued but thinking I couldn’t handle it, that it’d be too difficult. I had meditated before, and even attended day retreats in the States, but was not a dedicated practitioner with a regular practice. I was a novice, if you will, curious and eager to learn.
When I learned that Thailand housed many Vipassana and meditation centers, I was determined to attend at least one. I had my eyes set on a center located in Isaan that my Thai language ajahn recommended to me. After trying to make it happen a few times, the logistics kept failing, and I started to think it just wasn’t in the cards for me. It wasn’t until I was talking with my friend, Wei, a fellow Peace Corps volunteer, that my hope returned. He told me his plans to attend Suan Mokkh for the 10-day silent meditation retreat, and without waiting for his permission, I invited myself along his journey. Thankfully, he was ok with me joining, and even his Thai host family helped drive us around. In usual Thai fashion, his host family was instantly welcoming and kind, feeding me and showing me around their community.
Volunteers, Holly & Wei, with Wei’s Thai host family.
Back to the idea that there are no coincidences in life, a few months before I made plans to attend the retreat, I picked a stack of books from the Peace Corps lounge to bring back to site with me to read at my leisure. One of the books was “No Religion” written by, you guessed it, Buddhadasa Bhikkhu, the founder of Suan Mokkh. Before grabbing this book, I had no idea who he was, that he founded the retreat center, or how famous this book and his teachings are in Thailand. Something drew me to this book, and I was fascinated by the title and description (and the short number of pages).
The retreat center is tucked away in a charming, quiet forest containing ponds, coconut groves, and banyan trees of all sizes. Monkeys played in the trees next to the dining hall, beautiful birds sang, and every bug and insect imaginable crawled around the retreat. Everything is simplistic, basic, and open-air, to match Buddhadasa’s teaching of living intimately with nature. We were provided with a small private room, with no fan or electricity, a hard bed with a straw mat, a blanket, and a mosquito net. The bathrooms are shared, and Asian mandi-style—or “bucket shower bathrooms,” as most volunteers are familiar with.
Our daily schedule looked like this:
4:00 Wake up
4:30 Morning reading
4:45 Sitting meditation
5:15 Yoga exercise
7:00 Dhamma talk and sitting meditation
8:00 Breakfast and chores
10:00 Dhamma talk
11:00 Walking or standing meditation
11:45 Sitting meditation
12:30 Lunch and chores
14:30 Meditation instructions and sitting meditation
15:30 Walking or standing meditation
16:15 Sitting meditation
17:00 Chanting and loving kindness meditation
18:00 Tea and hot springs
19:30 Sitting meditation
20:00 Walking meditation
20:30 Sitting meditation
21:00 Bedtime
21:30 Lights out
Upon entering the retreat, we deposit our phones and other distracting devices at the front desk. Electronic devices, books, and journals are prohibited during the retreat. As the center’s website states: “the retreat allows us to withdraw from our usual activities to a quiet and secluded place and devote our time to study, contemplation and meditation.” Modest clothing must be worn, and beautifying oneself with cosmetics and jewelry is highly discouraged. Having no mirrors at the retreat center helps make this a little easier. And the most important rule is to maintain complete silence throughout the retreat. Of course, we were allowed to look and smile at each other, to give encouragement and build a sense of community as we were all living together. We found our own little ways to communicate. Some people would write encouraging messages in the sand, and I would sometimes hand people flowers, leaves, or rocks as I passed by.
The most common question and curiosity people have had about the retreat is how difficult it was not to speak or have my cell phone for 10 days. For me, those weren’t the slightest bit difficult. It was beautiful and blissful, so much so that I plan to make meditation retreats a part of my life and hopefully attend one at least once a year. But not everyone who attended the retreat had the same experience as me. About a third of the meditators quit and left before the 10 days were up. People left for different reasons, of which we will never really know why. The nun told us one man left because he didn’t like the food they served. The girl next to me in the dorms saw a scorpion in her room, and the next morning, her bags were packed, and she was on her way out. I noticed another girl slowly started skipping the meditation sessions and not following the rules, before she eventually left, too.
Meditation is hard, physically and mentally. It’s difficult and uncomfortable to sit still for long periods of time, causing your body to ache. And having nothing to do and no distractions brings up many things we have tucked deep into our minds and bodies. Meditation can bring up uncomfortable feelings and memories, and I was not immune to this. There were many times during my meditation practice when painful memories from my past would arise. Other times, it was less specific memories, but broad ideas about things like death and impermanence that would surface.
And let me tell you, the tears were flowing. I cried during many sessions. But I cried in a way I have never cried before. Everything about me was calm and still—my body, my breath, even my face— but tears would stream down my cheeks. I didn’t feel the need to wipe them away or stop the tears; it felt natural, like my body needed the release. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, but I knew, just like everything in life, it was temporary, and it would pass. What I did not expect was how incredibly good I felt after those sessions, so light, free, and unbothered.
The simplicity of life at the retreat center had me feeling so in love with life and myself. Having no mirrors allowed me to focus on how I actually felt, relying more on my senses to notice things about my body. I realized how much the mirror affects how I see myself, mentally, but not actually physically. Looking in a mirror, I focus more on how I look, with a mind tainted by media and unrealistic expectations, and less on how I actually feel. When you have nothing to look at, you start feeling your body in a somatic and holistic way.
Not having to worry about anything allowed me to float through the retreat center with bliss. I didn’t need to prepare for anything, worry about the time or what I would eat, or carry things with me, except for water and bug spray (the mosquitoes were no joke). The loud ring of the temple bell told us the time, and sufficient meals were provided when I needed them most. I was able to just be and show up as I am. It brought a trust in knowing that I don’t need much to live, that I already have everything I need, and that the universe will provide me with the things I need in the right moment.
With so much “free time,” I was able to notice the little things in life and in nature. Have you ever seen a huge Thai beetle poop before? I did, and it was fascinating to watch. Nature truly is amazing, and when we’re not distracted by our screens, we’re able to witness some of nature’s weird and cool things.
The meditators after the completion of the retreat.
On our tenth and final day, we had our normal free time in the evening. The sun was starting to set, and most of the girls were busy cleaning their rooms and packing their things in preparation for our departure the next day. Seeing all the busy and productive girls in the dorm had me thinking, I should also prepare my things.
But quickly changed my mind and thought, absolutely not, this is my last time to enjoy the hot spring and soak up this magical place, I can pack and clean tomorrow.
I grabbed my sarang and towel for the last time and made my way to the hot spring. It was me and 5 other girls, the usual crowd who soaked up the hot spring goodness every chance we could get.
As we were enjoying the hot spring for the last time, the magic really began. The monkeys from across the road made their way to us. They had never ventured so close before. We stayed silent and still, observing what they were doing, and not wanting to startle them. They ate from the tamarind tree that sheltered the hot spring, watching us carefully. After a few minutes, they decided we were not threats and started diving into the hot spring from high up in the trees.
It was an entire tribe of macaques, from babies to elders. The babies would follow the elders as they swam around the hot spring, looking for more tasty treats at the water's edge. After a while, they started playing, swinging from vines, diving, and cannonballing into the water with us. This was the first time we all broke our silence and laughed out loud. We were in amazement and wonder watching these creatures play, doing acrobatic flips and jumps into the water from high up in the trees, grooming and cleaning each other, all while not paying us any mind. It was so incredible to witness and felt like a magical moment we were a part of.
There was something symbolic and encapsulating about that experience happening on our final day. If I had decided to prepare my things for my departure and not go to the hot spring, I would have completely missed out on swimming with the monkeys. Instead, I chose to stay present, in the only moment we ever have, the here and now, not thinking about the past or the future, and the universe rewarded us with a magical monkey show.
I was frequently asked whether the retreat felt boring, given that we had no access to our phones and spent most of the time in silence. For me, boredom was not an issue, as nature would present the most fascinating things to watch. From big things like lightning strikes in the clouds above, to small things like the bugs building a mound in the dirt, watching it get bigger and bigger by the day.
Truthfully, the most difficult part of the retreat was sleeping on the hard bed with no fan to cool off those hot, humid nights. That, and having to leave the retreat center to adjust back to the real world. I wear the proof of this difficult adjustment as a large scar on my arm from falling off my bike and needing 11 stitches just 1 day after returning back to my community from the retreat. Either I shouldn’t have been riding my bike in such a blissful state, or it was the karmic universe telling me to slow down.
On the eleventh day, we all broke our silence with hello’s, congratulations, smiles, and many hugs. We were hugging each other before we even introduced ourselves, as we felt like family already. We retrieved our devices, and some people were so joyful to have their phones back. For me, I didn’t want my phone back. I turned it on to call my mom and sister, and immediately felt overwhelmed and unnatural looking at the screen and notifications. Without words, Wei saw the horror in my face as I held my phone, and said, “That’s why I still have mine turned off.” So I immediately turned it back off.
After saying goodbye to Wei and my new friends, I arrived at the airport and made my way to the gate. Did I mention there were no mirrors at Suan Mokkh? It had been 11 days since I last saw myself in a mirror. I saw myself for the first time in the airport bathroom, with no makeup, bushy eyebrows, a pimple on my forehead, and a big grin from cheek to cheek. I never felt more beautiful.
PCVs Wei and Holly.
