Rain Bugs
Natalie Garro, 129 TESSThere is nothing beautiful about the waythe rain bugscome in swarms,land on my skin,thick bodiesand skittering legscrawling over my flesh.They throw themselves at the light.I turn off the fluorescents,hoping they will be drawn to the street lamps.I light candles. The insects hurl themselves into the flames. Their wings smelllike burning hairas they ignite;and the rain bugslaunch themselvesinto the fire over and over.This is the part where I'm supposed to wonder what it would be like to exist in darkness,to crave the light so desperatelyI would fall into the flamesover and over. But I know darkness intimately,andI think about all the timesI threw myself into the light,even when it burned me - even when darknesswould have been the easier option,because darkness is empty. I think about all the timesempty wasn't enough. I have burned myself aliveto rise from the ashes.Buddhism teacheswe are all born within the cycle of Samsara:the infinite series of birth and death and rebirth -each human incarnationreleased into the universe as smoke - until we exit this cycle through enlightenment or Nirvana.With every new lifewe are born to the mercy of our karma.They say a human life is the best life, because it is the only existence from which one can exitSamsara.And I wonder what one must atone forwhen they are born an insect.And I wonderwhat I must atone for.And I wonder if I am atoning.If I am better todaythan I was in my last lifetime. If I was once one of those rain bugsthrowing myself into the fire. If less has changedthan I imagine has changed.
Read Natalie's previous articles Grit, Laundry, On the Funeral of King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand, and Gulaap: A Lengthy Reflection on my First 4 Months as a Peace Corps Volunteer.