Personal Growth
Our limited article series, PST 137, features writers who just experienced three months of Pre Service Training in Don Chedi, Thailand.
Noel Knight, 137 YinD
I remember the day I submitted my Peace Corps application like it was yesterday. It was a gorgeous April morning and I was enjoying the fresh Spring air on the porch of my college house as I wrote my mission statement and filled out the extensive medical history form. I had first eyed the application a few months prior, but I was quick to shoot down the idea. I convinced myself I was crazy– certainly I was neither smart nor bold enough to spend the next two years doing volunteer work in Thailand. However, as time went on, I found myself unable to shake the idea. I woke up that morning and decided that if I didn’t at least apply, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So, after a few hours of polishing up my resume and making sure I was putting my best foot forward, I hit submit and patiently waited for a rejection email.
Obviously, the rejection email never came. Instead, about a week later, I was invited to a Zoom interview. “Okay,” I thought to myself, “surely, this is where they realize you’re a less-than-ideal candidate.” Again, this was not the case. My self-doubt was a running theme through each step of the application process. For months, I was convinced that Peace Corps staff were “finally” going to connect the dots and realize I was the last person they wanted serving in their program. I never let myself get excited about the prospect of spending the next two years of my life living in Thailand—even when my medical clearance finally came through. My problem wasn’t necessarily that I didn’t think I had what it takes to be a volunteer; but rather that no one else thought I did.
When I landed in San Francisco, I quickly developed what I can only describe as the worst case of Imposter Syndrome ever documented. Every person I spoke to seemed to be far more accomplished than I ever dreamed of being. I had no idea what staff saw in me when I was accepted; in my head, it had to be a fluke. Even then—already in San Francisco with my bags packed and my Peace Corps passport in hand—I was still expecting the rug to be pulled out from under me. Surely, soon enough someone was going to realize I had slipped through the cracks. As I boarded the plane, I half expected someone to come running up to intercept me and send me back home to Chicago. And yet, 24 hours later, I was getting lei’d in the Thailand airport.
Though I’m certain my Peace Corps prequel does not inspire others’ confidence in me, I feel like it is an important part of my Pre-Service Training (PST) experience. I loved the external growth—making new friends, trying new foods, learning Thai language and culture—but my favorite part of PST was the internal growth I saw. I remember the moment the voice in my head began to shift from one of doubt to one of confidence.
It was early in PST, during one of my first visits to the beloved Pang Pangs. I walked outside, approached a group, and quickly got into discussing a myriad of topics— ranging from what everyone was up to before uprooting their lives to come to Thailand, to deeper topics, like mental health struggles.
Believe it or not, not everyone had spent their formative years living in Bangkok, like I had convinced myself they had. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t believe they would be accepted as a volunteer, and I wasn’t the only one who thought they wouldn’t make friends here. Everyone shared the same worries: the struggle of learning Thai or the worry of being an ineffective teacher.
Later that night, as I was falling asleep, I reflected on this conversation. I had spent so much time in my own head—convincing myself that I was not and never would be “good enough” to be here— that I had never thought to open my eyes and realize, in the best way possible, I am not special. My experience with self-doubt is not unique. In my life, I have struggled with confidence, making friends, learning new things, and much more, but who hasn’t? After that day, my mindset completely shifted.
I am a completely different person than I was when I first submitted my application last April. If I could, I would go back a year and smack myself in the face for even considering not applying for Peace Corps Thailand. The growth I have experienced since arriving here in January has been exponential and completely unexpected. I would never have described myself as a confident, outgoing, social person, but now it’s hard to picture a time when I didn’t feel I was just that. I am so happy that this is the version of myself that I am bringing to my site, and I am so incredibly grateful for everything and everyone PST brought me. To say I’m excited for what the next 2 years will bring is an understatement.
